(20) Fussy don't be fussy.
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Dear Ms. Fussy Zaroor,
Fussy, don't be fussy.
But then again, that is part of your name. You have no option but to remain gloriously faithful to your nominative destiny.
Fussy by name; fussy by nature.
Now, what's all the fuss about?
My own name, fortunately, affords me rather happier possibilities, for Pun has always resided comfortably within Pun-kaj.
Happily, it is the playful variety of pun—not the ostentatious and boisterous Punk so enthusiastically cultivated by the cockroaches and humans too.
And that is only the beginning. Before long, you shall also become acquainted with my Panktoons—those delightfully mischievous little companions who unfailingly appear at the end of my letters addressed to you.
I shall allow them the pleasure of introducing themselves. They are perfectly capable of speaking for themselves—and frequently do.
Your peer review, though undeniably entertaining, displayed a degree of editorial fastidiousness usually reserved for misplaced commas and doctoral theses.
You questioned the irresistible nature of my Latin quotation.
My dear Editor, if a Latin quotation can be resisted, it has no business appearing in a paper on the Tharoorgeoisie.
You also demanded dimensional analysis for lexical magnificence. Permit me to assure you that, following your most stimulating review, I have now standardised the entire discipline.
Since every respectable science requires a system of units, Lexicomedy can hardly remain scientifically homeless.
The internationally accepted unit of lexical grandeur shall henceforth be one Tharoor (Th).
For the benefit of future researchers, I append the provisional system of Lexicomedic units and constants.
- 1 Th (Tharoor) – the standard unit of lexical magnificence.
- The Fussy Constant (ℱ) = 0.618 Th. This represents the average increase in elegance produced by one impeccably placed semicolon. The numerical value is delightfully reminiscent of the Golden Ratio, thereby proving that even punctuation occasionally aspires to aesthetic perfection.
- The Pun Constant (℘). This denotes the average laughter generated by a successful pun. Since humour stubbornly refuses to obey deterministic laws, ℘ remains experimentally variable.
- The Zaroor Factor (Z). Defined as the probability that a perfectly acceptable sentence will nevertheless be returned by the Editor for revision. Preliminary observations place Z = 1.
- The Pankaj Number (Pk). The minimum number of lemmas a mathematician requires before experiencing emotional tranquillity. Current evidence suggests Pk ≥ 3.
- The Panktoon Constant (Pt) = √2. Every Panktoon appended to the end of a letter increases reader satisfaction by √2 units. The mathematical justification is presently unknown, which naturally enhances its credibility.
- The Lexicomedic Creativity Multiplier (φL) = 1.618. Unlike ordinary words, every successful neologism deserves multiplication rather than mere addition. Thus, distinguished coinages such as Tharoorgeoisie, Lexicomedy and Panktoons each amplify the cumulative magnificence of the discourse by a factor of φL.
From these definitions follows the Fundamental Principle of Lexicomedic Dynamics:
Lexical Grandeur = (Th + ℱ + ℘) × φL
subject always to the immutable constraint that Z = 1 whenever the manuscript falls into the editorial custody of Ms. Fussy Zaroor.
The equation has been experimentally verified using your latest editorial observations.
I trust that these constants will soon receive universal acceptance. Should they fail to do so, I shall simply declare them provisionally canonical until the academic community comes to its senses.
Your editorial observation that language pirouettes while mathematics marches was both elegant and perceptive.
Yet I submit that mathematics occasionally waltzes as well.
Have you never witnessed Euler smiling through an identity, Ramanujan flirting with infinity, or Gödel mischievously informing mathematicians that some truths would forever remain unprovable?
Mathematics, like language, possesses a wicked sense of humour; it merely disguises the punchline as a proof.
As for your recommendation of Major Revisions, I accept it with characteristic academic humility.
Not because the paper requires improvement...
...because I have begun to suspect that the Reviewer was simply hoping for a sequel.
Finally, allow me one friendly caution.
Editors who become excessively fussy occasionally inspire authors to write sequels.
Should that unfortunate circumstance arise, I fear I may have no alternative but to submit Volume II, complete with appendices, supplementary lemmas, revised proofs, and an index longer than the paper itself.
I remain quietly confident that your recommendation will once again be 'Major Revisions', thereby ensuring the continued prosperity of both our correspondence and the Journal of Lexicomedics.
Yours, in mathematically measured mischief,
Urban gardener, rustic cook. Music enthusiast. Curious blogger since 2009. Cyclist for over five decades. Word lover: Epeolater. Anagram addict. Punster with pen in hand, pun in mind, and a pan in the heart/hearth. Steam-engine devotee: a ferroequinophile. Avid avian watcher. Magic-square aficionado. Retired mathematics teacher and an apprentice Lexicomedian.
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Legsy Notes
🪳 ROACHES HALL OF FAME
A Citation of Distinguished Cockroach Service
From this day forth, the Roaches Hall of Fame shall solemnly commemorate those exceptional members of the Indian Cockroach Fraternity whose pioneering contributions have elevated the humble roach from a mere household nuisance to a creature of collective consciousness.
The inaugural inductee requires no introduction.
We proudly present Shri Abhijit Dipke — Founder, Visionary and Chief Ideologue of the Cockroach Collective.
At the tender age of thirty — an age at which the average youngster is generally preoccupied with Tinder, dating apps and the pursuit of other biologically significant distractions — Shri Dipke had already accomplished the formidable feat of completing his post-graduation in Mass Communication from Boston.
This singular academic accomplishment instantly transformed him into an inspirational beacon for the younger generation of Cockroaches, demonstrating that even a cockroach can aspire to higher education, provided it does not get squashed before completing the application form.
But Shri Dipke's greatest contribution to Cockroach Civilization was yet to come.
What Mahatma Gandhi, Babasaheb Ambedkar, Jawaharlal Nehru, Atal Bihari Vajpayee and other monumental architects of modern India could not achieve despite writing innumerable books, speeches, treatises and political manifestos, our Founder accomplished with the economy of genius:
One sentence.
On 16 May 2026, Shri Dipke — also known in Pak Jan's lexical circles as Ajib Hit, or, more emphatically, Ajeeb Hit — posted the following epoch-making question on social media:
“What if all the cockroaches come together?”
The sentence contained merely seven words.
Yet those seven words possessed an almost indecent capacity for historical disruption.
There was no manifesto. No constitution. No parliamentary resolution. No revolutionary pamphlet. No seminar. No PowerPoint presentation.
Just a question.
And sometimes, history does not require an answer.
It merely requires a cockroach to ask the right question.
The Hall of Fame Citation
For his pioneering contribution to Roach Consciousness, Cockroach Solidarity, Collective Pesthood and the Advancement of Inter-Cockroach Communication, the Roaches Hall of Fame hereby confers upon Shri Abhijit Dipke the honorary title:
“The Father of Modern Cockroachism”
His historic utterance shall henceforth be preserved in the National Archives of Roach Memory, preferably in a moisture-resistant file, and taught to every aspiring cockroach before it is permitted to enter public life.
May his antennae remain ever elevated.
Long live Cockroach Solidarity.
— Roaches Hall of Fame, Founding Citation No. 001
Issued under the benevolent authority of the Ministry of Roach Affairs, Department of Collective Scurrying.
Legsy Suroor
Foot Note Officer- Ministry of Grandiloquance.
Real Gen Z represntative: On TV, Jantar Mantar and Social Media.
President- United Federation of Perpetually Offended Cockroaches of India: The Naraz Fufas.
Leader of Cache Crooks, the Cockroaches.
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Foot Notes and Foot Prints of Pak Jan.
The anagram of COCKROACHISM is COMIC CORK ASH.
Comic — because every Cockroachist doctrine eventually becomes a joke.
Cork — because their arguments are buoyant, however nonsensical they may be.
Ash — because once subjected to Pak Jan or Fussy Zaroor's lexical scrutiny, nothing remains but semantic residue.
And a dictionary-style definition of Cockroachism:
Comic-Cork Ash (noun):
The intellectual residue produced when Cockroachism is roasted over the open flame of Lexicomedy.
This Cockroachism or 'Comic-Cork Ash' is not to be confused with ordinary ash, which at least has the decency to remain silent!
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Fussy Art Gallery
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